“I’m sorry”, “I’m sorry”, “Oh, I’m sorry”, how many times a day do you say one or other of these expressions?
Some say that apologizing is part of our Canadian culture. It may give you a good reputation when you’re traveling, but as your career progresses, it could hinder your ascent.
Sometimes these apologies are deserved, but often they are expressed for no real reason. These words of presumed compassion are often uttered out of discomfort, embarrassment or fear of asserting oneself or fully assuming one’s position and actions.
The perception of the other? You lack confidence and conviction. Too much apologizing can damage your credibility by displaying your insecurities. Not to mention that if you’re constantly apologizing, when the time comes to do it sincerely, it’ll be trivialized.
The purpose of this article is to help you choose the right words and actions to replace this false modesty, and above all to contribute positively to your image as a trusted professional, credible in his or her role and consistent in his or her words and actions. You’ll also find out when it’s imperative to apologize and how to do it.
When technology or equipment fails, or you’re in the middle of an emergency beyond your control, it’s usually not your fault. In these cases, you don’t have to apologize. Instead, you should mention the situation and then present the solution or options.
Instead of: “I apologize that the image for our video conference is not working.”
Instead, say: “The image for our videoconference isn’t working. Please take a ten-minute break while I coordinate a teleconference. Within five minutes, you’ll all be emailed the link to connect.”
On a day-to-day basis, you are confronted with situations that require the support, advice and answers of your boss, other employees or suppliers, with varying degrees of urgency. So you make a phone call, knock on a door or stop whoever crosses your path. Inevitably, you interrupt their activities. It’s normal, it’s part of the team dynamic.
Unless you’re a chronovore (time eater), in these moments, stop making excuses. Instead, ask if the time is right. Add the duration of the intervention you are requesting. This makes it easier for the other person to decide whether or not to give you this time.
Instead of: “I’m sorry to bother you, but I need your help.”
Instead, say: “I have a delicate situation with a long-standing employee and I’d like your opinion. Is this a good time? Ten minutes should be enough.”
If you’re the person others call a “chronovore”, always eating up other people’s time, you need to break this bad habit now by being more strategic in your requests for support. Analyze current activities and plan your appointments and calls by sending out invitations in advance.
When you’re invited to a meeting, it’s never necessary to preface what you have to say or your entrance with “I’m sorry, but I’d like to talk” or “I’m sorry to bother you”.
You’ve been invited. We want to hear and see you.
By starting with an apology, you’re setting the other person up to be defensive and subtracting the power of what you’re saying while minimizing your own power.
Say what you have to say and do what you have to do. Take your place, no excuses. Even when you disagree.
Instead of: “I apologize, but I don’t agree.”
Instead, say, “I have another perspective that I’m going to share with you.”
Don’t start by apologizing, just announce what you want right away. Then take action. Add the deadline to reassure and show that you have a good grasp of time.
Instead of: “I’m sorry to spend so much time on my part, but there are a lot of factors and it’s complicated.”
Instead, say: “There are many complex issues at stake. It’s important to detail them to inform you of their consequences. I’ve set aside 15 minutes to explain them to you.”
In the heat of the moment, instead of giving detailed excuses, acknowledge the situation and these obstacles or challenges and find a way to say thank you. In the case of a schedule or deadline that will have to be extended, it is imperative to add the new schedule.
Instead of:“I’m sorry. I’m swamped. It’s impossible for me to give you the last three months’ report by Thursday.”
Say instead: “It’s been quite a last quarter! Thank you for your patience throughout this compilation. I’m almost finished. I’ll give you the report on Friday, before noon.”
When the other person shares a difficult situation with you, observe and feel his or her emotions with empathy, transposing his or her reality. When appropriate, add how you can help or support her, making sure it’s realistic and achievable.
Instead of: “Oh, I’m sorry.”
Instead, say, “This isn’t easy. I understand why it might be difficult for you. I have a free hour this afternoon. I’m available to review your document.”
When you hurt someone’s feelings, make a mistake or arrive late, saying “I’m sorry” is restorative. This phrase is the beginning of a calming of the situation, a possible return to trust, and in some cases it can protect your reputation.
CONCLUSION
Never apologize to soften, when you’re scared or afraid of not being “loved”. Your role is to contribute to the well-being of the company you work for and its objectives. It’s not a popularity contest. For more delicate situations, start with: “What I have to say is difficult”. Take a break to observe. This benevolence predisposes the other with sensitivity.
Are you in a sticky situation? This blog is at your service. Write to me at julie@julieblaiscomeau.com. Your situation may enlighten other readers.
Published HR Reference by Éditions Yvon Blais Thomson Reuters 2019 (c) Julie Blais Comeau
+613.292.9526
julie@julieblaiscomeau.com
I’m Julie Blais Comeau, Canada’s bilingual etiquette specialist. My mission is simple: to give you the know-how to shine positively at work and in the community.
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